1 AM

(Edit: I'm usually a very humorous and happy-type of person, but sometimes I just have to let all the serious things out).

Today, is my first post on this blog...I have lost my place to talk about what I'm really feeling... It doesn't feel right telling it to people who know me. I don't want to burden them. I just want to get my words somewhere. Get them out of my mind for just a little bit without concerning others. This is my blog. This is me.

I am not lonely, but I feel alone. There are things that keep me going, but there are those times where I feel so empty. One of those moments would be right now. I don't mind being alone though.

For now I have patience.

I used to want attention and acceptance. Who doesn't? I'd change my profile pictures so often, hoping for comments and likes. I'd post statuses that I would hope people would be interested in. But since I've been at home now for a long time, it really doesn't feel as important or gratifying as it used to. I've become more apathetic. I thought to myself, "Why should I care to post to people who don't care what I have to say?" I've become detached from most now. I could just tell the people I wanted to tell things to through smaller connections like instant messaging and texting. I was tired of peoples' crap. And I honestly didn't care about what they posted anymore. There were a few that I really felt were full of shit. Say one thing, do another.

I was thinking to myself, I didn't want to publicize my thoughts to people who can walk up to me and ask me if I'm okay. I don't need to be asked if I'm okay. Or people I don't even talk to trying to get in my business. I don't post things like that because I don't want that kind of attention. Why would I broadcast my life? My deepest, darkest feelings and thoughts to people who would never expect to hear such things from. And some even may find annoying.

I'm not here to whine. I just want to write what I'm thinking; how I'm feeling. No strings attached. Just here where it doesn't even matter. Typing all of this sorts out my thoughts; locking them away into the endlessness of the internet.

It feels so silent in my mind. I need more food for thought. To type all of this makes me feel a little bit less emptier. It feels like such a release. Minus the attention. The only attention I have is of my own. I'm paying attention to myself and that's a good thing.

No matter how many times someone comments on your appearance or something you said, you're always the same person you love or hate in the end. If you keep paying attention to what others say that's how it'll be. Whether I like it or not, I am who I am.

Sometimes I wonder if that's enough for me.